As an adult, I’ve always been driven to identify the root cause of every problem (except math. To hell with you, math!)

Perhaps it’s because I discovered decades ago that being able to name a difficult feeling or experience releases its grip. At least, that’s the effect it has on me. But the grip tightens when I’m trying to identify the roots of someone else’s problem, whose manifestation causes me suffering.

I am not a micro manager, and I don’t feel compelled to control how other people do things. I am mainly compelled to control how I do things. In my apartment, for example, there is not one right way to do the dishes or load the dishwasher (confession: I don't have a dishwasher). There is no one right to be; there is no one right way to clean.

I don’t believe my way is the best (often, I assume it’s the worst). I am a go-with-the-flow type of person (sometimes to my own detriment) and follow the road that feels right to me, but may not be right for someone else.

So, naturally, people who need to control their environment, and the people in it, are curious creatures to me. The closer I get to someone in possession of these traits, the more their inflexibility impacts me.

While I understand that people’s issues are not personal, as in, they are not about me, the expression of certain problematic behaviors that are directed at me conjure the very feelings I believe the controlling person is trying hard not to feel.

When a person doesn’t identify or deal with the origin point of their problems because it’s uncomfortable or scary, they tend to engage in behavior that inadvertently consigns someone else the emotion they are afraid to feel, or they accidentally re-create the scenario that most terrifies them.

For instance:

Imagine a person who fears being forgotten, and who has not faced down their fear. They might create emergency scenarios that require others to rush to their aid, as a maladaptive way to get their need to be remembered met, and to prove to themselves they are worthy of being cared for and loved.

But when they haven’t dealt with the fear of being forgotten, the need isn’t quenched, and the demands become bottomless. So they create scenario after scenario, each one more amped up than the last.

From: Come quick, I think my dog is dead!

Only to discover, upon your arrival, that all is well, the dog was actually just sleeping.

To: Come quick, I think I’m having a heart attack!!

Only to discover, upon arrival, that all is well, it was gas pains, not a heart attack.

This can become a cycle of problematic behavior, where the person who needs soothing is overly reliant on others to do for them what they cannot do for themselves.

Over time, this leads to resentment as those who are overly-relied-upon begin to feel taken-for-granted, erased, or used.

The day will inevitably arrive where the overly-relied-upon person wants out, but they are stuck because the person who is too dependent on them is the very person afraid of being forgotten.

What to do?