You Are Not Who You Think You Are

For my last newsletter of the year, I planned on writing about what I’ve learned in 2021.

But as I began, I realized I didn’t learn new lessons this year; old ones were reinforced. So instead, I’m going to write about something I know for sure, which I’ve learned throughout my adulthood. I think that will serve you better going into 2022.

I know that far too many of us believe we are “too much” or “not enough” and are alone in our harshly critical self-judgments. We don’t realize that such thinking is common and that there is a name for it: Cognitive Distortion.

We share too little of ourselves because we’re afraid, which separates us.

For the longest time, nearly my entire life, I believed I was not good enough in every area of it.

But the more work I did on myself, the more I read, thought, talked, and wrote, the more I realized that this belief is universal. Of course, not everyone suffers in this way—some lucky few don’t suffer—but a lot of us do.

And the more we talk about how we suffer, the more we understand how not alone we are.

It’s impossible to be “too much” or “not enough” of anything, and yet we convince ourselves that we are, based on stories of ourselves from childhood that other people told. Then we take our internal convictions into the world, assuming everyone agrees with our silent assessment of ourselves.

Our invisible critical beliefs live inside many of us as tiny secret selves that we can’t seem to slay. This tiny secret self is constantly popping its head up, making sure that we notice when a random encounter, a bad conversation, a tonal shift, or a side-eye has confirmed our fears.

That tiny secret self began as the voice of someone else: a parent, a teacher, someone on an overheard phone call, a bully, a doctor—but now it’s ours, and we are the ones who keep validating what we believe (and fear) is genuine about us.

We’re all trapped in an infinity mirror of selfness, where we look outside ourselves only to return and report to ourselves that we were right—we don’t belong. We were right—we’re not smart enough.

We were right—we are too much. We were right—we’re not enough. We’re on a walkie-talkie playing both sides. Calling and answering, not even realizing we’re talking to ourselves.

We’re in a loop, a fractal of me-ness, and we don’t know the way out.

Except that we do.

Here’s how—

My most profound insights don't go in the free version—they're distilled from my 27 years in therapy, decades of independent study, and work as a mental health advocate. These deeper dives are reserved for readers committed to going deeper.

Unlock full access to read the entire piece.

Join How to Live