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I promised my friend Adam W. I’d write him a letter to read at 3 a.m. when he wakes up and can’t get back to sleep. This letter is for him, and for all of us.

But before you wreck your circadian rhythm reading on your iPhone in the middle of the night, please protect yourself with blue-light blocking glasses. These are my favorite. I put them on at around 9pm, feeling both ridiculous and like a badass.

The 3am Email

Hi friend,

Remember earlier today when you were too busy to worry about what’s keeping you awake now? You just shoved it aside and focused on work because you had no other choice.

Why can’t we do that with sleep? It’s weird how easy it is to work when you have to work, but how impossible it feels to sleep when you have to sleep. There’s that awful feedback loop: the more you think about how much you need to sleep, the more impossible it becomes. 

And now it’s 3AM, and here you are, wide awake, not because you need to solve the world’s problems (though we could use some solutions) but because you forgot to worry during the day, or you didn’t worry enough.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it? Sleep is vital, and you know you’ll feel better when you get enough, yet here you are—awake, annoyed, and spinning. 

There’s a saying: What we avoid becomes our life. And isn’t it true? Look at us. It’s the middle of the night, and we’re both awake, worrying alone, because we haven’t yet dealt with the hard thing.

But now isn’t the right time. We must teach our brains that now is the time for sleep.

So let’s start there.

Drop the energy you feel in your brain, down into your body.

Feel the shift?

Take a moment to notice your body. Is your jaw tight? Are your fists clenched? Are your shoulders at your earlobes?

That’s your body bracing for some imaginary fight or flight. But you’re not in danger.

You’re just lying in bed, safe. 

Let’s tell your body to stand down. 

• Unclench your fists. 

• Drop your shoulders. 

• Take a deep breath in through your nose, count to four, hold it for seven, and exhale through your mouth for eight. Do it again. And one last time.

This breathing method is from Pranayama, the ancient method for controlling your breath. Notice how the exhale is longer than the inhale? That’s the secret sauce. That long exhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system (the branch of our nervous system that helps us calm down) and eases the fight or flight response (the sympathetic nervous system). The 4-7-8 breathing method tells your brain that we’re okay; we’re not in danger.

If your chest feels tight, place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Breathe into your hands.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, the trauma researcher and psychiatrist, points out that emotions aren’t truths; they’re experiences. That thought—“I’ll never get through this”—isn’t a fact. It’s a feeling. A signal of overwhelm, not a prophecy. 

Let’s ground ourselves in what’s real.

• Fact: I’m in bed. 

• Fact: I’ve survived every sleepless night before this one. 

• Fact: This moment will pass, just like all the others. 

Dr. Peter Levine who developed Somatic Experiencing Therapy suggests reframing persistent thoughts like, “I’ve wasted my life” with this simple addition: “I’m having the thought that I’ve wasted my life.” Adding that distance reminds you: it’s just a thought, not the truth. 

You know my rescue dog Busy. She barks at imagined threats, thinking she’s protecting me. Your anxious thoughts are like Busy—they think they’re helping, but they’re not. So, I tell Busy: Thank you, but no one’s at the door. We’re okay. Say the same to your thoughts: Thanks for showing up, but I don’t need you right now. 

Here’s a trick to break the loop: cognitive shuffling. Pick a word, like apple. Imagine things starting with “A” (apple, ant, airplane). Then move to the next letter in the word, “P” (pencil, piano, parachute). Keep going. It’s silly, but it works. Your brain can’t overthink and shuffle at the same time.  

We know that we can’t control what happens to us, that we can only control our response. Right now, you are awake when you want to be asleep. It’s annoying, but it’s reality.

This has happened before, and it will happen again. Millions of people, just like you, are awake somewhere right now trying desperately to fall back asleep. You feel alone, but you are not. This experience is universal; shared. Yes, you’ll be tired tomorrow, but you’ve been tired before and you’ve gotten through it. Just like you’ll get through it tomorrow.

There’s so much to worry about, so much to fix or figure out—but none of it needs your attention right now. You won’t forget to worry tomorrow. For now, let it go. 

If you’re still awake, try The Military Method

• Relax your face—forehead, cheeks, jaw, tongue, even your eyes. 

• Drop your shoulders, hands, and neck. Let them sink into the bed. 

• Relax your arms, one at a time, from your biceps to your fingertips. 

• Exhale and relax your chest. 

• Relax your legs, one at a time, from thighs to toes. 

• Picture yourself lying comfortably in darkness or repeat: Don’t think for 10 seconds. 

I discovered this method through Better Sleep, my absolute favorite app for sleeping—and it feels serendipitous that, without knowing I’d be writing about sleep today, they reached out to sponsor this newsletter!

Sponsorship means I earn a dollar for every person who clicks the link below. If you’ve been enjoying this newsletter and are looking for a simple way to support it, clicking the link below is an easy, no-cost-to-you way to help keep it going. Thank you for being part of this community!

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Try it tonight!

When my niece was little, nap time gave her anxiety—what if she couldn’t sleep? My sister Kara reassured her: You don’t need to sleep; you just need to rest. Feel your body rest. 

So, I say the same to you: you don’t need to sleep, just rest. Close your eyes, notice where in your body you feel heavy, and sink into that heaviness. Let yourself keep sinking. 

Goodnight, friend.

Until next week I will remain…

Until next week I will remain…

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Cover art: Yelena Bryksenkova