In partnership with

Past posts live here. Come 👋🏼 at me on FB, IG, Threads & Bluesky

I promised my friend Adam W. I’d write him a letter to read at 3 a.m. when he wakes up and can’t get back to sleep. This letter is for him, and for all of us.

But before you wreck your circadian rhythm reading on your iPhone in the middle of the night, please protect yourself with blue-light blocking glasses. These are my favorite. I put them on at around 9pm, feeling both ridiculous and like a badass.

The 3am Email

Hi friend,

Remember earlier today when you were too busy to worry about what’s keeping you awake now? You just shoved it aside and focused on work because you had no other choice.

Why can’t we do that with sleep? It’s weird how easy it is to work when you have to work, but how impossible it feels to sleep when you have to sleep. There’s that awful feedback loop: the more you think about how much you need to sleep, the more impossible it becomes. 

And now it’s 3AM, and here you are, wide awake, not because you need to solve the world’s problems (though we could use some solutions) but because you forgot to worry during the day, or you didn’t worry enough.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it? Sleep is vital, and you know you’ll feel better when you get enough, yet here you are—awake, annoyed, and spinning. 

There’s a saying: What we avoid becomes our life. And isn’t it true? Look at us. It’s the middle of the night, and we’re both awake, worrying alone, because we haven’t yet dealt with the hard thing.

But now isn’t the right time. We must teach our brains that now is the time for sleep.

So let’s start there.

Drop the energy you feel in your brain, down into your body.

Feel the shift?

Take a moment to notice your body. Is your jaw tight? Are your fists clenched? Are your shoulders at your earlobes?

That’s your body bracing for some imaginary fight or flight. But you’re not in danger.

You’re just lying in bed, safe. 

Let’s tell your body to stand down. 

• Unclench your fists. 

• Drop your shoulders. 

• Take a deep breath in through your nose, count to four, hold it for seven, and exhale through your mouth for eight. Do it again. And one last time.

This breathing method is from Pranayama, the ancient method for controlling your breath. Notice how the exhale is longer than the inhale? That’s the secret sauce. That long exhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system (the branch of our nervous system that helps us calm down) and eases the fight or flight response (the sympathetic nervous system). The 4-7-8 breathing method tells your brain that we’re okay; we’re not in danger.

If your chest feels tight, place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Breathe into your hands.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, the trauma researcher and psychiatrist, points out that emotions aren’t truths; they’re experiences. That thought—“I’ll never get through this”—isn’t a fact. It’s a feeling. A signal of overwhelm, not a prophecy. 

Let’s ground ourselves in what’s real.

• Fact: I’m in bed. 

• Fact: I’ve survived every sleepless night before this one. 

• Fact: This moment will pass, just like all the others. 

Dr. Peter Levine who developed Somatic Experiencing Therapy has some great ideas for reframing persistent thoughts.

To read the rest of this piece, you must upgrade.

Subscribe to How to Live to read our content