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You’re reading The How to Live Newsletter, where we uncover the hidden psychological forces shaping our lives—and learn how to outgrow their influence.

Through deep research, personal storytelling, and hard-won insight, I challenge the myth of normalcy and offer new ways to face old struggles.

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PARENTS RESPOND

Last week’s newsletter was one I was afraid to send out into the world, and initially, I didn’t.

Many people (women, mainly) wrote and urged me to share it.

Despite feeling extra vulnerable, I sent out: The Single Life: On Exclusion, Loneliness and Understanding.

The response was terrific. Single women weighed in via comments, some people sent me texts, and others sent me emails.

My piece is just one half of a larger conversation, and I’d like to share the side that weighed in to explain why their single friends often get shafted.

Some is expected, but certain things are unexpected.

A single mother friend whom I deeply adore texted to say that the weeks she’d been thinking about me turned into months because it was hard to find time to hang out and— this next part is important— she’s under the mistaken assumption that if she can’t offer time then she shouldn’t text, or respond to a text.

RELATABLE.

This is an understandable dilemma, and I’ve been there before. It was helpful, and as we advance, I’ll be mindful of that dilemma, and shift my own thwarted thinking that not hearing from her means she doesn’t want to see me, or be friends anymore.

Instead of being able to sit with uncertainty, we often spin a story to satisfy the sense of certainty we crave—and we believe the story despite this fact: the story is always fiction.

Another friend wrote to say that the sentiment flows both ways. Sometimes, she said, it’s single people who exclude couples because married people with kids are boring and mainstream.

I think this can be true, for sure.

At the same time, this can only be true if social focus is exclusively on family and kid life, topics in which single people can’t equally participate, instead of on more universal ideas and issues.

Another friend weighed in with a thoughtful email that, with permission, I will share. All emphasis is mine.

EMAIL:

“Here's my personal experience with this:

I have two kids.

I love love love going out and seeing my non-parent friends, and I regret that I don't see them more. But I generally don't invite them to most things, because most things in my life involve having kids around, and...

When an activity involves kids, the activity revolves around kids.

Even if it's just a dinner party where the adults aspire to talk with each other, the kids require constant attention, will constantly interrupt, must be continuously engaged with, and will always make the event about themselves.

As a result, the adults don't actually get to talk that much.

I find this infuriating and demoralizing, truly.

The thing I love most — most! — is meeting and exchanging ideas with interesting people. And when kids are around, that's just literally not possible. You cannot have an extended conversation. 

At all.

You have small, frustrating bursts of conversations, punctuated with breaking up fights, dealing with a kid who's crying or hurt or being mean or whatever, or just engaging the kids as they buzz around you, even though there's an entire house with other kids to play with but they insist on being RIGHT THERE in your face demanding your attention.

It makes it very hard to get to know people.

What he said next blew my mind and made me rethink everything I’d thought. To get your mind blown, you can upgrade and read the rest of the letter and my response.

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