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Hello, friend. You’re reading The How to Live Newsletter—a weekly exploration of psychology and philosophy, offering thought-provoking insights to deepen your understanding of life’s complexities and help make the hard parts of living feel a little easier.

The Subtle Science of Soothing: What Children in Panic Truly Need

While it’s true that, age-wise, I am a full-grown (albeit petite) adult, I have never lost connection with the panicked child I once was.

In fact, without consciously choosing, I’ve dedicated my entire adult life to learning how to become less panicked by uncertainty, less anguished by the unknowable, and more comfortable with the sensations of dread signaling terror that cascade throughout my body.

I’ve done this with deep and relentless self-inquiry, consistent study, decades of therapy including psychoanalysis, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Experiencing therapy, and ongoing conversation.

All driven by an innate need to master my emotions so that I can live with more ease in the world without being sidelined by the darkest, scariest inclinations of my panic and anxiety, which once so interfered with my life that I couldn't leave the house to participate in or live my life.

In this mindset, and from the point of view of a panicked child all grown up, I offer the following advice.

When the child in your life has a panic attack, do you know how to help them?

Do you tell them that they’re okay?

That they’re fine?

Do you tell them not to worry, or that they’re overreacting?

Do you reassure them that you’re not worried, that no one around you is worried, and if no one else is worried, all evidence suggests there is no reason to worry?

Yes?

Well then, you are a wonderful parent/caretaker who means well, and I am now asking you, on behalf of all panicked children everywhere, to please stop doing this.

When your child is having a panic attack, they are not fine.

They know this.

You know this.

So when you tell them they are fine, when that is clearly not their experience, they feel more alone. Worse yet, they feel unsafe because what you tell them and what they feel are in conflict.

In the throes of a panic attack, your child feels out of control, and that is terrifying.

Here’s what they need instead…

My most profound insights don't go in the free version—they're distilled from my 27 years in therapy, decades of independent study, and work as a mental health advocate. These deeper dives are reserved for readers committed to going deeper.

Unlock full access to read the entire piece, and discover some transformational techniques to help any child (or yourself) through a panic attack.

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