Parenting While Narcissistic

Amanda Stern
November 23, 2022

By now, we’re all pretty familiar with narcissism. We've read a lot about it these past few years, as it's been associated with past and present leaders.

But outside of a handful of exceptionally awful human beings, I think we may be examining and discussing narcissism unproductively.

When we describe a person we consider a narcissist, it’s with judgment and derision, as though the purported narcissists are all consciously calculating (some are, some are not) and have enough self-awareness to know the consequences of their behavior and actions.

If you take a quick scroll through any social-media platform, you’ll see threads of disregard and heavy-handed judgments such as: “They do this because they want to control you.”

Narcissists can be awful people, it’s true. And it's also true that control is a core agenda. But considering narcissists more thoughtfully helps others understand the roots of this character trait, and when we understand, we can detach from them sooner.

A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has to meet five out of nine criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM, a diagnostic manual, which is used by doctors to diagnose psychiatric disorders. The codes for these disorders are also used for insurance purposes.

I’ll admit it, it’s my favorite book. I can’t help it–it’s so juicy! There is currently no known diagnostic code for a person who over-loves the DSM)

My favorite book

The criteria:

A grandiose sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believing that they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requiring excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations)
Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
Lacking empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them
Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

FUN PSYCHOLOGICAL FACT: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the latest edition of the DSM (5), is considered a “Cluster B personality disorder.” Cluster B disorders are characterized as “dramatic, emotional, erratic.”

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A person with true NPD is inflexible, which means they lack the awareness to see what others do: Narcissism is a defense mechanism, which means it’s a character trait. When you’re inflexible, you cannot change.

There’s a reason narcissists are the way they are, and it’s those roots we neglect when talking about a narcissist’s behavior. Without understanding the roots of narcissistic behavior, we can remain hooked into our adult relationships and be tossed about for longer than necessary.

It’s important to state up front that we ALL have narcissistic traits—come on, fess up—but pathological narcissism, as a diagnosable disorder, is the most concentrated form.

To activate, instead of water, just add attention.

A pathological narcissist has a wild sense of grandiosity and self-importance (think, Donald J. Trump). They are preoccupied with fantasies of their own brilliance and importance and believe they are so uniquely special that they should only be associated with other uniquely special people of prominence.

They REQUIRE excessive admiration and loyalty, and to help that along, will either fish for these compliments, or simply state them as facts, out loud, as though stating it makes it so.

When they are accused of something, this breaches their delusions of grandeur, and unable to tolerate their discomfort, they lash out, charging others of said undesirable deed.

(When a narcissist begins questioning you for doing something untoward, without merit or reason, they are, almost certainly, telling you what they are guilty of doing.)

Original art for How to Live by Edwina White

If that weren't enough, their relationships are transactional and exploitative.

They are interested in the end result: What can this person do for me? How can this person elevate me to the place I belong? They lack true compassion and empathy, and assume that others are envious of them. They are often quite arrogant, rude, and intolerant of any mistakes other people make.

It’s this form we’re talking about.

When your primary caregiver or parent/s are narcissists, you most likely will become relegated to a class called a narcissistic extension or a “narcissistic supply.” This means that you, the child, supply the glory, esteem, affirmation, and validation your narcissistic parent needs.

You see, narcissists feel inherently entitled, and narcissistic parents' entitlement extends to their children. They don’t think of their children as separate people but rather extensions of themselves.

NPs feel entitled to glory, and since they lack the internal reserves to supply themselves with self-worth, they require others to do this for them. In the case of a narcissistic parent, those people are their children.

They assume that their children’s wants and needs are their wants and needs, and since what a narcissist wants and needs is fame and glory, whatever success their child has is considered the parent's success.

The Narcissistic parent (NP) is exceptionally emotionally immature. They are unpredictable and prone to emotional outbursts and rage when their children "fail" them.

Should their kids make a mistake, or fail to live up to expectations that were placed upon them, NPs will criticize, be passive-aggressive, gaslight and manipulate.

They keep score.

They turn any home into an unstable environment, and children of narcissists find themselves scrambling to placate their NP so that they can feel safe. The child will often feel helpless, unsure of reality, scared, and isolated.

The bond that exists between an NP and their child is a false closeness.

NPs don’t understand their own emotional needs and, therefore, cannot foster a true connection built from emotionally vulnerable conversations, truly seeing, hearing, and knowing their child, or modeling what a healthy dynamic between two people should look like.

The way narcissistic parents bond with their children is through creating their own or others’ crises (you can't hide from us, cluster B!), enabling other people’s bad behavior, drama, putting other people down and gossiping.

An NP cannot self-regulate and therefore can’t handle their own feelings when mistakes are made.

When they feel attacked and criticized, or when their child does something wrong, it reflects poorly on the parent. The NP will blame the child for not being able to attain their parent’s unrealistic goals, and the child will begin to think of themselves as “not good enough,” or worse: “worthless.”

Because there is no one to model emotional regulation in their house, the child won’t know who they are or what their needs and wants are. Often children of narcissists develop depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

They lose connection with their authentic self and develop a false self. This false self knows how to get approval and neutralize criticism. This false self is the self the child trusts will keep them safe, so they lean into preemptively defensive behaviors like people-pleasing and co-dependency.

A parent with narcissism is extremely consumed with appearances and with external signposts of success. They seek constant validation from external sources to stay consistently propped up. If they looked within, they’d find nothing stable to hold onto.

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Because they rely on external forces to feel esteemed, they can only confer value on those who are highly appraised by the outside world.

To wit: their love is conditional. If their child succeeds, the child feels love. When the child fails, that love is withdrawn. But, when in public, there’s only one way to present—as the ideal family.

If, God forbid, a child has even a minor physical “flaw“ (e.g., acne, overweight), everything will go toward fixing it from the outside in, but no attention will be given to the internal life of the child.

The message sent is: It doesn’t matter how you feel; what matters is how you look.

This causes the child to disengage from their emotions in order to get the approval they so desire from their parent. NPs are consumed with impressing other people and feel that they’re entitled to special favor and praise.

They think: Don’t they know who I am?

An NP wants to remain in control of their child, and so they do not foster individuality.

To that end, they will manipulate their children in order for them to remain tied. They’ll financially support them well into adulthood or talk them out of taking a job or going to school that’s too far away.

They might even talk them out of dating someone who might “take them away from the family.” The goal is to keep their child dependent upon them, so they feel needed because they do not know how to shore themselves up on their own.

Yes, it’s true: A narcissist will talk constantly about themselves. They must be the focus of any and every conversation.

They are not prone to asking other people questions, or listening to feedback, or having compassion for other people’s suffering. They often brag about their accomplishments and exaggerate, or simply lie about their promotions, awards, praise, compliments, or inflate any minor achievement into a major win.

Getty Images | Eskay Lim/EyeEM

They will endlessly brag about their children’s accomplishments, and when they are congratulated on their kids’ achievements, they will claim those accomplishment as their own.

But WHY are they this way?

While the cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not actually known, there are some indications that factor in genetics and poor parenting.

There is usually a genetic tendency to develop a narcissistic personality disorder. While not everyone will develop it, if the environment is right, it can certainly trigger a cascade of symptoms that lead to NPD. Neglectful or over-enmeshed parenting is a factor.

A child who develops NPD and grows into a narcissistic parent is someone who has no sense of self-worth.

Their self-hood is so fragile that even the slightest criticism will upset them. Because they have so little self-worth and don’t know how to regulate their emotions (because it was never modeled for them), they have a physical inability to handle the sensation of emotional discomfort or distress.

Upon feeling discomfort, they will automatically lash out, exploding in rage or contempt.

They will make others feel as little as they feel, and they do this by putting them down and adopting the stance of superiority. Anything that causes discomfort—change, stress, and relationship endings—may activate a person with NPD.

They may harbor deep and painful secrets of deficiency, insecurity, and shame. They fear (truly fear) being exposed and humiliated for being a failure, and they do what they can to avoid any situation in which they might fail.

They believe that they should be perfect, and they know deep down that they fall so short of perfect they amp up the volume on their perceived superiority (while also spotlighting the ways other people are inferior).

NPDs are filled with shame, and their behavior is a defense against that feeling, a maladaptive way to stay alive and functional.

They have incredibly low self-esteem and struggle with their sense of identity. This is why they rely on others’ successes to act as their own reflection.

Getty Images | Malte Mueller

They are in a constant battle with their sense of self-worthlessness that they depend upon the praise and recognition of others, and it’s why they often exaggerate their own accomplishments or who they know. It’s also why they can become obsessively jealous of other people’s success.

They want what that other person has, but because they don’t understand how to get it, they assume it was given to them, that they were overlooked, and because they can’t bear discomfort when their sense of entitlement is ruptured, they erupt.

What underpins ALL narcissism is the fear of being vulnerable. In particular, they fear being ridiculed and laughed at. They equate vulnerability with derision and rejection. The narcissist fears that their true self will not be accepted or liked because growing up, their true self was not accepted or liked; in fact, it was, more often than not, mocked, ridiculed and abandoned.

And, because it was their false self that got all the attention, they truly believe that’s the most likable part about them. Their authentic self, however, is just a wobbly and fragile little shell who hasn’t truly developed, that needs to be protected from the world, unexposed and hidden.

Because they were raised to believe that this true self is shameful and weak, causing rages and chaos, they learned to distrust not only their true self but other people.

At the same time, it made it impossible for them to acknowledge any vulnerability, to admit to “weakness,” because their true self is what feels weak and vulnerable, and they don’t have the tools to defend themselves.

They can only imagine that exposure to this part of themselves will cause someone to exploit, control, or take advantage of them because that’s what their parent did.

And so, the only recourse they have handy is their maladaptive defense strategy, which is to act as though they are stronger and more important than they feel.

They cannot give themselves love, so they entrap others to do it on their behalf.

All forms of childhood trauma, neglect, and abuse can give rise to narcissism. But so too can being spoiled. Spoiling a child doesn’t set a child up to succeed in the world.

If someone was told they were the smartest, prettiest, most handsome, best athlete, best student, etc. …(no matter how not smart or clever they are) their entire life, so that it is ingrained in them, they are set up well for NPD.

When a parent never says no to their spoiled child, they are raising a child who expects a yes at every turn. When a no does come their way, expect a tantrum.

When a person like this grows up and parents, they don’t know how to handle the world’s “no’s.” They don’t know how to deal with mistakes that other people make that directly impact them because they’ve never been taught how to negotiate or regulate their own emotions.

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This feeling of uncertainty makes them feel out of control, which is a worst-case scenario for a narcissist. The explosive rage so often seen from an angry narcissist is the rage of not knowing how to tolerate feeling out of control.

So, yes, narcissists can be truly awful human beings, but most of them come by their narcissism honestly.

They are built from a house of cards.

They’re fragile, and they don’t know what to do about that, so they try and protect themselves with a fortress of bluster so that we won’t see their fragility.

Vulnerability is scary. To a narcissist, it feels dangerous.

And you?

Did you grow up with a narcissist? Did any of this ring true for you? And, more importantly, what did I leave out?

Until next week I remain…