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DR. RUTH’s RULES FOR LONELINESS

Many prominent figures throughout history have grappled with a deep sense of isolation and a yearning for connection.

Despite their struggles, they often left behind profound works that continue to offer insight and advice on dealing with life’s most difficult challenges.

Take Emily Dickinson and Sylvia Plath, for instance.

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) suffered from extreme social isolation and possibly agoraphobia. She was likely clinical depression and had anxiety, which made her preference for solitude understandable. The legacy she left behind comprises nearly 1,800 poems, resonant existential ponderings, exploring themes of nature, death, and the human condition.

Sylvia Plath (1932-1963) suffered from clinical depression, suicidal ideation, and marital problems. In her work, she left behind unflinching confessional poetry and a semi-autobiographical novel exploring mental illness.

More recently, enter the late Dr. Ruth Westheimer, beloved sex therapist, who built her career talking openly about sexual dysfunction.

Toward the end of her life, not wanting to be known as only a sex therapist, she turned her attention elsewhere, toward a different significant and equally stigmatized societal concern, isolation and loneliness.

She lobbied Governor Hochul for a job that didn’t exist—Ambassador of Loneliness.

She was delighted when Hochul gave her the job.

An extrovert by nature, Dr. Ruth loved going out, and rarely kept food in the house because she seldom ate there, much less cooked.

Then, Covid came, and it hit her hard.

During the time she was confined to her house, she experienced a profound sense of loneliness and alienation. The feelings were familiar, and she traced their contours back to childhood, remembering that she’d written about this same unpleasant internal state in her journals, growing up.

She went in search of these old writings, and she found them.

Her entries in 1945, when she was 16, included, “I live with 150 people — and am alone,” and how she was “longing for a friend” someone who “loves and understands me.”

She was 10 years old when she boarded a train to Switzerland as part of Kindertransport, a program designed to keep children safe from the Nazis.

It was the last time she saw her parents.

Looking back through her journals, she realized that she understood loneliness and as pandemic isolation bloomed into a national mental health crisis, she felt like the right person to take on this silent and pervasive epidemic. In addition to her traumatic childhood, she was twice divorced and then widowed.

Yesterday, Dr. Ruth’s final book was posthumously published. The Joy of Connections is a list of 100 strategies for building strong, lasting bonds.

The New York Times recently published 5 of them. I share them here (paraphrased).

5 Ways to Feel More Connected, According to Dr. Ruth

1. Be a turtle.

Dr. Ruth's approach to life was symbolized by her vast collection of turtle figurines.

These miniature creatures, gifts from loved ones, occupied every available surface in her home.

For her, turtles represented more than just decorative items; they embodied a life philosophy. She believed that to truly experience life and form meaningful connections, one must be willing to take risks and expose oneself to potential vulnerability, much like a turtle extending its neck from its protective shell.

2. Lose count.

Dr. Ruth advocated for a generous approach to social interactions. Rather than keeping a tally of social obligations, and turning resentful that she did most of the initiating, she decided to embrace the role.

This perspective shift transforms social engagements from a burden into an opportunity for connection. The goal, as she saw it, was not to achieve a perfect balance of give and take, but to surround oneself with cherished company, and feel less lonely.

3. Broaden your “friendcabulary.”

Dr. Ruth challenged the notion that only deep, longstanding friendships are valuable.

She promoted the cultivation of a diverse social network, including casual acquaintances, colleagues, and friends-of-friends.

Her approach was inclusive, disregarding age, gender, or sexual orientation as barriers to potential friendships. This philosophy aligns with research suggesting that even weak social ties can significantly contribute to one's well-being.

4. Make your town smaller.

Make your town smaller.

Upon moving to New York City, Dr. Ruth recognized the importance of creating a sense of community within the vast urban landscape.

She urged people to join community organizations, chat with your neighbors, go to your neighborhood block party. Feeling connected takes deliberate effort and engagement.

Be deliberate. Make the effort.

5. If you’re lonely, say it out loud.

If you're lonely, say it out loud.

Drawing from her experience as a behavioral therapist, Dr. Ruth believed in the power of open acknowledgment.

She encouraged individuals to vocalize their feelings of loneliness, viewing this step as the first towards healing. Her approach was rooted in the understanding that loneliness is a universal experience, and by speaking about it openly, one can begin to alleviate its isolating effects.

I love her advice, especially #4. Make your town smaller, but of course, I want to know your favorite. Let me know in the comments.

Until next week I will remain…