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The Psychology of Avoidance: Why We Sabotage Ourselves and How to Break the Cycle

Q: I'm on dating apps but keep ghosting matches as soon as they want to meet. I tell myself I'm too busy, but really I'm terrified of rejection. How do I stop sabotaging potential relationships?

A: Wait, did I write this? JK—I relate.

Ghosting often reflects a fear of vulnerability and rejection—a way to maintain control by avoiding the risks inherent in connection, or, what I call Saturday.

Dr. Esther Perel, everyone’s favorite psychotherapist, known for her work on intimacy and relationships, explains that modern dating creates a paradox: we crave connection but fear the unpredictability and emotional exposure it demands. Ghosting becomes a protective mechanism, shielding us from the discomfort of being seen, judged, or potentially rejected.

Perel suggests that to break patterns of avoidance, we must confront the tension between autonomy and intimacy—confront! Tension! Oy! 

Start small by proposing manageable steps, like a short Sunday coffee date, on Zoom. If you don’t want to tell them you get nervous about meeting people, tell them you believe all first dates should be short and sweet. Setting boundaries, like time limits, can help you feel more in control while closing in on slippery terrain toward connection.

Use the time to suss each other out, and if it goes well, you can set the parameters for the next meeting, in person.

Like all good psychotherapists, Perel emphasizes reframing as an important tool. Look at your vulnerability as a strength. After all, each time you stay present in discomfort rather than fleeing, you build resilience and create the conditions for meaningful relationships.

You’re building emotional callouses.

The best thing about real intimacy is that it doesn’t demand perfection; it just requires willingness.

The best things in life come when we delay gratification. Remember this during the temporary discomfort of the beginning. It’s a small price to pay for a worth-it partner.

Q: My mom died six months ago, and I still haven't gone through her things. Every time I try, I end up binge-watching TV instead. My siblings are getting frustrated. What's wrong with me?

A: I’m deeply sorry to hear about your mom. That’s a loss I haven’t experienced firsthand, but like everyone, I know it will come someday.

While I haven’t lived through this yet, I’ve learned a great deal from reading about grief. One of the most insightful authors on the topic is Mary-Frances O’Connor. In her transformative book The Grieving Brain, she explains that grief is not just an emotional process—it’s also cognitive.

It’s common to feel stuck when sorting through a loved one’s belongings. According to O’Connor, our brains form a mental map of the people in our lives, and when someone we love dies, that map is disrupted.

She uses the analogy of a chair in your bedroom: if the chair is suddenly removed, your body may still unconsciously move around it in the dark, as if it’s still there. Similarly, your brain struggles to reconcile the absence of your mom, and this process takes time.

In On Death and Dying, her seminal book on grief, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross famously wrote about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, these stages are often misunderstood—they’re not prescriptive or linear. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline or a straight path. It’s messy and deeply individual.

Sorting through your mom’s belongings might feel like confronting her absence again. Avoidance, like binge-watching TV, can be a way of protecting yourself from that pain. This doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you. It simply means your grief is unfolding in its way, at its own pace.

When you feel ready, consider starting small—perhaps just one item or drawer. If possible, involve your siblings, not just for the task but to share memories and stories. Grieving is not something we need to do alone, and sharing the weight can make it feel more manageable.

Here are some actionable ideas:

The best questions don’t have easy answers. That’s why I keep many Q&As behind the paywall—where it can be more honest, nuanced, and helpful. Come take part.

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