4 Experts on How to Find Your Best Therapist
Don't know where to look or what to ask? START HERE.
Amanda Stern
December 07, 2021
Some of the most well-meaning suggestions can create more questions than they answer.
For instance: “You should find a life partner!” Or “Get in shape—start exercising!”
Yes, many single people would love to find a life partner. But questions abound: Where should I look and what should I be looking for? How will I know when I’ve found my right someone? What should I be paying attention to? What are the red flags and, more importantly, what do those red flags mean?
Trailing behind the search for the right partner is the search for the right therapist. Many of us want a therapist; more of us need a therapist, and a majority of us have no idea how to start, where to look, or what to ask.
That’s why I have gone straight to the source. I have asked four psychologists a set of questions all geared toward helping people find the right therapist. These four professionals are working at the top of their game. Two of them are remaining anonymous.
One of them was my EMDR therapist, and the other is someone I’ve been seeing since—well, it predates modern humans. The third therapist is Tamar Chansky, an anxiety specialist known already to some of you from these posts, and the fourth is my friend Griffin Hansbury.
One thing I need to mention straight away is that these past two years have been particularly trying for therapists due to the pandemic.
They are overworked to the point of burnout.
There are fewer therapists available than ever before, but there are also more resources.
Even if you can’t get an appointment with someone for a while, make the appointment, and arm yourself with every resource you can, including the ones I’ll share at the end.
But, first…
WHERE TO FIND A THERAPIST????
Original artwork for "How to Live" by Edwina White
If you have insurance, check the provider directory and google the therapists who seem the most promising to you. Take that list and ask your GP if they are familiar with any of the names, and if so, who on the list they might recommend.
Ask friends and people you trust.
Social media is great for recommendations. If you don’t want to reveal that you’re the one looking, you can post on behalf of “your sister” or “niece/nephew” even if those people don’t actually exist. Other online resources include community based sites like Nextdoor.
Don't neglect community healthcare networks and neighborhood clinics.
Here's a linkable list:
Findhelp (click on Health, then look to the left and pan down until you see mental health care)
Approved Training Institutes (across the US)
Psychology Today has a great database
If you’re a student, ask a professor you trust about a counseling center on campus.
Don't overlook some of the newer options for doing therapy at home. Take for example, Betterhelp and Talkspace.
WHAT TYPE OF THERAPY DO I NEED??
You may feel confused about the many types of therapies that exist, and which one is right for you. Should you see a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist, get EMDR, see a Psychodynamic therapist? DON’T WORRY ABOUT THIS. What you need will take some time to reveal itself. The first step is just finding someone.
WHAT TO ASK PROSPECTIVE THERAPISTS
I sent a series of basic questions to a NYC-based psychodynamic therapist, an EMDR and trauma doctor, an anxiety expert, and a therapist specializing in LGBTQ+, transgender and trauma. Two of the four therapists have requested to remain anonymous, so I’m referring to them as Dr. A and Dr. B.
Questions for Dr. A, who specializes in Psychodynamic Therapy
What are the main things a person should consider when looking for a therapist?
DR. A: The most important questions are the ones you ask yourself: What is it I want/need help with? If you’ve had therapy in the past, did it help with the problem? If it didn’t, why do you think it didn’t help? These are all things to ask yourself and to relay when meeting. Don’t be shy. It’s important that both you and your potential therapist are comfortable speaking openly.
Once you have formulated what you want help with, and conveyed this to the prospective therapist, it’s important to ask if they have had experience with these issues. If so, what were some outcomes? If not, how do they envision working with you?
What are the questions a patient should ask that would inform their choice?
Dr. A: What is the therapist’s mental health training? And, how many years of experience in independent clinical practice? I do believe experience counts for a lot. I am a very experienced psychodynamic therapist, and yet, I continue to learn and deepen my skills with every patient I treat.
Any words of wisdom or advice on this topic that is not often mentioned or considered?
Dr. A: If you are a person from a different cultural, ethnic, religious or racial background from the therapist, inquire about their attitudes and beliefs on these issues and how they might inform their clinical work. If they have no answer, that’s OK. But inquire if they are interested in learning from you. This latter factor may be the most important.
Finally and most important: Ask yourself how you feel interacting with the potential therapist during the phone contact and initial consultation. Do you feel understood? If you don't feel comfortable, try to formulate for yourself why you don’t? See if you can identify these issues and consider whether it is worth a second or third consultation. If so, discuss with the potential therapist. If not, move on. Good luck.
To learn more about Psychodynamic Therapy:
Questions for Dr. B, who specializes in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) & Complex PTSD
What are the main things a person should consider when looking for a therapist?
Dr. B: Start by clarifying what kind of help you are looking for. What are the issues you are struggling with that you are seeking help for? Ask your potential therapist what their experience is with those specific kinds of concerns. Ask how they work. What is their training? Do they have specific training that would be helpful for you to know about? Do you feel comfortable speaking with them? If you are going to bring your most vulnerable self to someone for help, you need to feel comfortable/safe.
What is your specialty?
Dr. B: I work to heal the effects of trauma—what we think of as Big T traumas as well as small T traumas, including accidents, catastrophic events, sexual, physical, and emotional abuse; neglect, deficits, in early relationships that affect self-esteem, trust and more.
What are the questions a patient should ask that would inform their choice?
Dr. B: What are my areas of expertise? How do I work? How do I think about the kinds of issues that are of concern to the potential client? I use EMDR often in my work (but not exclusively) so I would expect and welcome questions about EMDR, how it might be helpful to the client, how does it work. What other treatment approaches do I think might be helpful? What are those other treatment approaches? What do they involve?
Any words of wisdom or advice on this topic that is not often mentioned or considered?
Dr. B: Don’t be afraid to ask questions, raise concerns and get a second opinion.
To learn more about EMDR:
Questions to Griffin Hansbury, a psychoanalyst who does EMDR and Imago Therapy and specializes in LGBTQ+, transgender and Trauma
What are the main things a person should consider when looking for a therapist?
Dr. H: It’s important to find a good fit—not all therapists are a good fit for all clients. Do you want someone who is more reflective or directive? Do you want more of a “blank slate,” someone who stands back at a clinical remove, or who lets you in on their thought process and works in active collaboration with you? Pay attention to how you feel when you leave their office after the initial consultation. Ideally, you should feel heard and basically understood, with some sense of hopefulness.
What is your specialty?
Dr. H: I specialize in gender, sexuality, and trauma. I have many years of experience in the LGBTQ+ communities and take pride in offering a non-judgmental, affirmative space to talk about queer identities and sexualities.
What are the questions a patient should ask that would inform their choice?
Dr. H: How do you work with patients? What does a typical session look like? How do you think about the client-therapist relationship? What do you believe is the engine of change in the therapy process?
Any words of wisdom or advice on this topic that is not often mentioned or considered?
Dr. H: Shopping around is important and it’s helpful to consult with a few different therapists before you decide. When contacting a new therapist, if they’re not available to work with you, ask for referrals they think might be a good fit for your needs. Be patient—it takes time to connect with the right therapist, but it’s worth the effort for an emotional and financial investment that will last for years.
To learn more about Dr. Hansbury
Questions to Tamar Chansky, Ph.D. who specializes in the treatment and prevention of anxiety disorders
What are the main things a person should consider when looking for a therapist?
Dr. C: It is such an act of courage to seek out a therapist. The reason we go is to find relief for our suffering. No one tells you to do this, but by learning more about it and ways we can alleviate it, prevent it, etc., in order to find someone who can really help, it helps to do a little thinking (maybe you’ve already done so much!) about what you are struggling with.
So, if you ask yourself, what is the core of what is sending you in search of a therapist, or, turning that around— if therapy is helping you, what would be different?— then you can go in search of someone who is very experienced and comfortable in working in that specialty. Not every therapist is, for example, comfortable in working on relationship issues, or burnout, or social anxiety, or panic.
Identifying the need, and then finding a therapist who specializes in that area is the priority. There are different approaches to treating different conditions or symptoms, so you might also read up to see what the treatment of choice is for a certain problem, and see if there is someone who specializes in that approach.
Feeling comfortable opening up with your therapist is a priority too, so it makes sense either to get a personal recommendation from a friend, or even your GP.
If you have a list of providers from your insurance company, you could look at that person’s website, any videos or educational materials, their statement of purpose, or you can even just look at their picture and get that Malcolm Gladwell blink/gut feeling of whether it feels like a good match or not.
I have known people who call to hear a person’s voicemail message to get more data and whether that “voice” sounds like a voice that you would connect with and trust on the journey of understanding and healing. If you meet someone and it doesn’t feel right— TRUST YOURSELF. Yes, it’s hard to tell your story again to another person, but if you’re not comfortable (in a way that isn’t because it’s something you need to work on), it’s better to move on. This has to work for you. A therapist knows about therapy— but you are the expert on your gut feelings!
What is your specialty?
Dr. C: I specialize in anxiety disorders.
What are the questions a patient should ask that would inform their choice?
Dr. C: Right now, especially, given the high demand for therapists in the pandemic, questions may be more practical in nature: What is the therapist’s availability to meet?, for example, or, Are they meeting virtually or in person? What are the fees? Is insurance accepted? Other questions may be: What is the suggested frequency for sessions? How is that determined? Do other people get involved in the therapy, i.e., parents or partners?
Because you’ve chosen to list your name, can we provide a website or a way a person can read more about you, or get in touch?
Dr. C: I don’t have availability for new patients right now, but I do have a lot of content in my books and website for people looking for creative ways to address the challenges they face with all the varieties of anxiety and negative thinking.
To learn more about Dr. Chansky and access her content:
Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Practical Strategies to Overcome Fears, Worries, and Phobias and Be Prepared for Life--from Toddlers to Teens by Tamar E. Chansky
Freeing Yourself from Anxiety: The 4-Step Plan to Overcome Worry and Create the Life You Want by Tamar E. Chansky Ph.D.
You and Your Anxious Child: Free Your Child from Fears and Worries and Create a Joyful Family - Anne Marie Albano, Ph.D. with Leslie Pepper
So, there you go.
I hope this helps. Remember to listen to your gut, and trust your own experience. Your body never lies.
If there are any questions you think should be added, please tell me in the comments!
Until next week I am…
Amanda
THANK YOU TO ALL THE THERAPISTS WHO PARTICIPATED!
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