The first time I experienced social anxiety, it felt like my usual panic but at a different register.

The door shut behind me and my then-boyfriend, as we walked into a party, and my sense of time slowed; every moment spread itself across more frames, slowing down my experience and heightening my sense of danger.

I had to leave, but I didn’t know how.

My mouth dried up, and I felt hyper-self-conscious about speaking, worrying I’d be mocked just for saying my name. I experienced an acute sense of not belonging and a wrongness at everyone else’s disturbing ease and comfort.

It wasn’t a panic attack, exactly. It was focused on one thing: scrutiny. I could see it in their eyes. I felt unprotected and unsafe and fled, leaving my boyfriend behind.

So started months of not attending parties, dinners, or events—I was in my 20s.

Because my social anxiety lasted over six months, it qualified as a disorder.

What relief I felt when I was finally diagnosed and put on proper medication. I was free to do the things everyone else did. I didn’t suffer from social anxiety as intensively as I did during those months.

Until the pandemic.

I am not alone. I know many have been gripped by social anxiety. How could they not? Although we’re less isolated now, some of us still grapple with the dread of social engagement.

But you know who has it worse?

The kids.

Every child, except perhaps those home-schooled, has missed fundamental markers of social development. Whether they’re 4 or 20, young people have suffered in ways that are different from adults, so it can be harder for us to understand.

But that’s not the only reason the kids are in a worse spot. If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you know how terrifying it feels. Now, imagine being a kid experiencing that same terrifying-as-an-adult panic attack. It’s annihilating.

It’s one thing to try to explain the pandemic and other news-related anxiety-inducing information to kids while keeping their sense of safety intact. It’s an entirely different matter trying to explain what’s happening inside them as they react to these events.

But we must try.

The defining feature of social anxiety is the fear of scrutiny and judgment. This fear persuades kids that their safest route to remaining unharmed is avoidance.

If your child once enjoyed being social only to find themselves suddenly gripped by dread at the thought of going to [pick the social event], they might also feel scared and confused by this change.

Central to any anxiety-related experience is the ratio of fear to reality. Anxiety shows up as a reaction that is disproportionate to a situation.

People with anxiety confuse safe things with unsafe things. Anxiety is like having a faulty alarm system that goes off for movement inside the house when its job is to prevent intruders from outside.

For example, when a child has a tantrum before bedtime, it looks like they’re “acting out” because it’s such a wild overreaction to a minor event.

This is your tell.

Whenever your child’s behavior feels outsized concerning what you perceive to be a smaller event or action, they feel anxious.

They are reacting not to the event but to the deeply unsettled feelings the event or act triggers inside their body.

These anxiety symptoms create a new layer of fear about being scrutinized and can often become what anxiety organizes itself around. Often, people who feel acute anxiety cannot believe it’s not visible.

This sense that their fears are visible can limit a person because social anxiety appears when interacting with another person, making minor moments like eating or drinking in front of others or using a public restroom feel high-stakes.

Because of this, avoidance seems like the only solution—it’s not.

Kids don’t know why they feel fearful or anxious. They don’t know what triggers are or how to self-soothe or break the big fears into smaller steps.

We must teach them.

First… Recognize the anxiety, and don’t confuse it with “acting out.”

Children typically do not act out without reason. Try to resist yelling or punishing them when they are overreacting. This will create a negative association between feeling anxious and getting in trouble.

Next …

Validate their feelings. Ask them if they can describe what’s happening in their bodies. If they can’t explain, you can ask: Is your heart racing? Do you feel shaky? Do you feel like you’re floating away from your body? Is your mouth dry? Is your chest tight?

You can explain that these are all symptoms of anxiety, which is very common, and while it feels alarming, it isn’t going to hurt them.

DETAILS

I cannot stress this enough: Anxious children must know what will happen. When they think about the future, they can’t see it and become consumed by worry and fear. It’s just black or empty or scrambled or white.

Give them as many details as you can in advance. Where they are going, who’s hosting, who will be there, what will happen, what will be expected, how people might behave, and what others will be doing.

SECOND RESPONSES

Your kid may already know about the caveman brain and why we get anxious. If you need to reinforce these ideas, and the caveman story isn’t cutting it, develop new examples to get the message across.

Anxiety is an automatic, reflexive response. If something suddenly falls in another room, you might jump, and fear will course through your body. This is the reflexive response.

A non-anxious person would investigate what fell—this is a secondary response.

An anxious person would assume the worst: Someone broke into their house, e.g., and they’d live inside the initial fear, letting it grow until it swallowed them. Instead of investigating, they’d probably hide.

The first response is assuming the worst. The second response is more rational and allows for a fuller investigation.

We can move from the first response to the second through breathing.

Deep breathing sends a message to your heart to calm down, and once the heart is calmer, everything else becomes calmer, too.

BREATHING TECHNIQUES

5,4,3,2,1 is a great technique that helps children to be in touch with their surroundings, which is especially important if a full-blown anxiety attack is looming.

To do this, help your child to notice:

Sensory items like Therapy Putty, Textured Stretchy strings, or Magnetic Rings help kids transfer their anxiety.

PRACTICE

My strategy growing up was to avoid all the things that felt too difficult or scary. I was taught it’s easier to avoid than face the thing.

This was a bad strategy.

Avoiding grows the fear. Facing shrinks it.

Help your child identify triggers and brainstorm problem-solving strategies to work through them.

Scope Out a Situation in Advance

If your child is terrified of returning to school in the fall, take walks around the neighborhood or campus to defuse anxiety and familiarize your child with the area. Make it fun. Meet some store owners, if any are nearby.

Practice greetings and departures, entering and exiting groups, engaging in conversation, and asking follow-up questions.

Arrive early or late to parties, and hang out at the edges to observe. Pick a target and move closer (say, the snack table), then to the next target, closer to the kids.

Praise is necessary, but too much praise can place an undue burden on anxious kids. Be laid-back, saying something like, “I love how you went over there and started painting with the others.”

Find a buddy

If your child feels better in the company of friends, invite someone or host a small pre-party event. If it’s the first day of school, arrange to meet a friend nearby and go together.

CURIOSITY + EMPATHY

Want them to open up with you? Ask them questions that begin with “I wonder…”

“I wonder if you’re feeling nervous because you’re not sure you’ll know anyone at the party?”

They might say no, that’s not it. Whatever they reveal, show empathy, and let them know you understand their feelings.

ACCEPTANCE

Never brush off your child’s feelings or worries. They may feel minor to you but are major to your child.

You want your child to learn that you are a safe person. Adults rule themselves out when they make fun of or invalidate their kids.

PROCESS

The fear of looking bad in front of others—especially friends—of not living up to perceived expectations weighs heavily on anxious children in the lead-up to a social situation.

A perfectionist child overlooks the process. They are focused on the outcome. It frustrates them that they’re not experts, and when they don’t get something right immediately, they feel like failures.

Being perfect isn’t a reasonable goal. The process of learning needs to be the focus. Life is all process and the process of doing needs to be the goal.

When they complain that they’re not good at something, always add: YET. You’re not great yet.

FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS

Social anxiety overwhelms kids with negative thoughts, reinforcing their anxious beliefs that they are stupid, ugly, unpopular, etc.

I invented this system for people of all ages.

Get a notebook and create five columns. Title them.

Column 1 is INCIDENT | Column 2 is FEAR | Column 3 is POSSIBILITIES | Column 4 is REALITY | Column 5 is WHAT I LEARNED.

Whenever your child responds to an event with panic or anxiety, have them write down what happened under “Incident” and what they fear it means under “Fear.” EX: INCIDENT: Sarah never called. FEAR: Sarah hates me.

List all the possible reasons for the incident. Once they learn what actually happened, that goes under “Reality.” EX: POSSIBILITIES: Maybe she got in trouble or forgot she had other plans. REALITY: Sarah’s phone went out in the storm; she had no service and couldn’t call.

And column 5 is what they learned. EX: WHAT I LEARNED: Things aren’t always what you think.

Soon enough, they’ll notice the pattern: our fears are rarely true.

WORRY TIME

Worry time is invaluable.

If you can, set aside 10 to 15 minutes daily for your child to worry aloud with you. You can help them navigate a lot of their fears.

Walk them through solutions and coping techniques to prepare for upcoming experiences. Leading them through worst-case scenarios is invaluable. It offers possible solutions and gives your child a sense of agency.

MINDSET/REFRAMING

Mindset changes everything. The psychologist Carol Dweck discovered that people generally have two different mindsets: fixed and growth. Those with a growth mindset are more successful at learning, growing, and self-regulating. Those with fixed mindsets often get stuck.

Growth and fixed mindsets are people's underlying beliefs about learning and intelligence.

People with growth mindsets believe they can get smarter, sharpen their abilities, and grow their talent, which leads them to put in the effort so they are better able to achieve their goals.

People with fixed mindsets view their traits as inherently unchangeable, and they give up more quickly because they don’t believe that effort will change anything.

The good news is you can change your mindset.

WHEN TO STEP IN

Give your child some room; be nearby, but don’t get too close. An anxious child absorbs your worry and hovering can exacerbate theirs.

If your child panics, you can go somewhere private and review their breathing strategies and coping mechanisms. Try not to go home. Returning to the situation is vital so they know that panicking isn’t the final curtain call for everything.

Feel your child out. Try and take their cues while also knowing when to intervene.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

The signal that your child would benefit from therapy is when their social anxiety interferes with their everyday functioning.

But fear not; this is a highly treatable condition; what you both learn will be useful for the rest of your lives.

And you? Have you or kids in your world struggled with social anxiety? What’s helped you? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Until next week, I remain…

RESOURCES:

Headspace for Teens!

Social Anxiety: More Than Just Shyness—PDF

I Feel Worried Printables

Coping Skills For Kids: Practical Ways to Help Kids Cope with Stress, Anxiety, and Anger