As an adult, I’ve always been driven to identify the root cause of every problem (except math).

Perhaps it’s because I discovered decades ago that being able to name a difficult or problematic feeling or experience releases its grip. At least, that’s the effect it has on me. Where it’s tough is when I’m trying to identify the roots of a problem from which I don’t suffer.

I am not a micro or macro manager, and I don’t feel compelled to control how other people do things, I only have the compulsion to control how I do things. In my apartment, for example, there is not one right way to do the dishes or load the dishwasher (confession: I don't have a dishwasher, but you feel me). There is no one right to be; there is no one right way to clean.

I am not someone who believes my way is the best—or worst—way. I am a go-with-the-flow type of person (sometimes to my own detriment) and follow the road that feels right to me, but may not be right for someone else.

So, naturally, people who need to control their environment, and the people who enter that environment, are curious creatures to me. But the closer we become, the more their inflexibility impacts me. My innate character can wind up feeling strangled.

While I understand that people’s issues are not personal—as in, they are not about me—the expression of certain problematic behaviors that are directed at me conjure the very feelings I believe the controlling person is trying hard not to feel.

When a person doesn’t identify or deal with the origin point of their problems because it’s uncomfortable and scary, they tend to engage in behavior that inadvertently consigns someone else the emotion they are afraid to feel, or they accidentally re-create the scenario that most terrifies them.

For instance:

Imagine a person who fears being forgotten, and who has not faced the roots of their fear. They might create scenarios that require others to come to their aid, as a maladaptive way to get their need to be remembered met, and to prove to themselves they are worthy of being cared for and loved.

But when you haven’t dealt with the fear of being forgotten, those demands are bottomless. And so another scenario is created and then another. This can become a cycle of problematic behavior, where the person who needs soothing is overly reliant on others to do for them what they cannot do for themselves.

Over time, this leads to resentment—those who are overly relied upon feel taken for granted, erased, or not seen. Because they are not seen, they are being used.

The day will inevitably arrive where the overly-relied-upon person wants out, but they are stuck because the person who is being too dependent on them is the very person afraid of being forgotten.

What to do?