Yes, Attachment Styles Affect Our Romantic Relationships!

We bring our histories with us, everywhere we go.

The wounds endured in childhood, when not addressed, challenged, or processed, remain with us, a silent GPS system guiding us into our adult relationships, accompanied by the same style of love that underscored our childhood.

In other words: We often attach ourselves to our romantic partners in adulthood, much like we had attached to our primary caregivers in childhood.

But we are not doomed to repeat the past unless, of course, we choose to, or we’re the lucky few who were and remain securely attached.

We are animals with primal, basic needs that never disappear. As infants, we depended on someone to feed, bathe, change, care, and tend to us. When we cried, we hoped someone would come to soothe us. When we needed someone else, we hoped they would arrive. This need for connection never goes away.

When we come of age, that primary need grows with us, like a shadow—even if you can’t see it right away, turn on the light and it’ll come into focus. As babies, we need nurturing and care from our primary guardians; as adults, we need nurturing from our romantic partners.

Getty Images | Christel Tranberg

Children, who are more concrete than adults, don’t have the tools yet to call upon mental images of their loved ones to self-soothe. They need that support and reassurance in real-time from a physical presence.

Adults, on the other hand, can conjure the love and support they feel from their most trusted other (or from their family of origin and close friends). We have the tools to access the reassurance we need in the absence of another and can self-soothe.

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