A cursory glance at any social media comment thread will reveal a fundamental truth about humans: we are an inflexible bunch.

We cleave to our beliefs and mistake our perspective for fact. We push back against anything that counters our view, getting angry and lashing out at others for being "stupid" because they don't know or believe what we do.

Most of us fall victim to this. I know I do. But when I reflect on the ways I've changed throughout my life, there's one through-line: flexibility.

The key to change is flexibility.

We must be able to challenge who we are, what we think, and why we think it, as often as possible. The biggest shifts in thinking and behavior often begin with the simplest questions. But to answer them, we must be willing to be wrong, to know what we don't want to know, to sit with the discomfort of living, or else we'll remain stuck.

But which questions do we ask? How do we challenge ourselves, and when?

Any time someone holds a different point of view, we should ask ourselves what we aren't understanding that they understand, even if what they understand is morally indefensible. So many of us don't realize we're following narratives we've been handed rather than ones we've examined and chosen. But in order to choose what to believe, we need to understand the where, why, and how behind the beliefs we claim to stand by.

The psychologist Carol Dweck discovered, through studying fifth graders, that there are essentially two kinds of people: those with a fixed mindset and those with a growth mindset. Those with a fixed mindset remain, well, fixed. Those with a growth mindset are always stretching and learning. Thankfully, we can practice becoming the second kind.

Here are four questions to help you practice flexibility of mind.

1. What am I avoiding, and why?

Much of America’s health care system is organized around treating symptoms. Because the root is harder to identify and address, it’s often overlooked. Yet, it’s the root cause that gives rise to the symptoms. So why do we seldom lift the hood and see what’s inside?

We are a country of avoiders. We don’t actually like doing hard things, but we do like reaping the benefits. If it takes effort, inconveniences us or just feels icky, we’re a people prone to put it off, or flick it away.

But this is a problem. It’s what leads us to destroy the earth because we love fast fashion, eating meat, receiving packages, and building data centers for Artificial Intelligence more than we love the idea of preserving the earth. If we ruin it entirely, well, there’s always the moon or mars!

Our reliance on convenience is bad for humanity.

We avoid discomfort and inconvenience to maintain the status quo, but avoidance doesn’t maintain anything, it just leads to ruin.

So, what are you overlooking? Why aren’t you painting when you say you want to be a painter? Why aren’t you writing? Why do you tend to other people before you tend to yourself?

It’s not that we don’t know the answer to these questions, it’s that we don’t want to know what we know. Because once we know, we have to do something about it.

Once we admit what it is we’re avoiding and why, we’ve lifted the lid off the recurring pattern of our life. And our work feels less nebulous and more concrete. Then, we can finally get started.

2. Whose expectations am I living by?

Someone I know once asked me why I didn’t get married, and I asked him why he did.

He was startled. No one had asked him that. His answer was unsurprising, and unoriginal: “It’s just what you do.” (Clearly not, hence his question.)

How many of us live our lives tuned to the invisible expectations running underneath our choices? How many of us had children because it’s “just what you do?”

I’ve always found it completely bonkers when parents choose professions and careers for their children. As though having a child was their second chance at life—just lived by another person; as though the child wasn’t a separate entity.

To know whether or not you’re living your life according to your family or society’s expectations ask yourself why you judge the aspects of your life you judge. Perhaps you judge your decisions differently than your friend’s decisions, despite having made the same choices.

How often do we assume we share the same definitions of things, only to realize that one person’s “Successful life” means having a roof over their head and a vegetable garden, while the other’s means, “Making 7 figures and traveling around the world”? We need to know what we believe, what we want and how we want it. Otherwise, we’ll find ourselves a bit player in a life we’re meant to star in.

3. If fear weren't holding me back, what would I do?

For my entire life, I’ve been afraid of getting things wrong, of not doing things right (this sounds the same as getting things wrong, but it’s nuanced). These fears have debilitated me. I don’t write as often as I want because fear often holds me in place. It’s a tricky thing to tackle, because it goes back so far and it’s so deep, but I struggle with this and work on it all the time.

From a very young age, I knew I wasn’t like other kids.

I was mortified as it dawned on me that people around me were catching on.