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Why We Return to the People Who Harm Us
A friend of mine was worried about his friend who was falling in love.
He was concerned that their courtship was centered solely on shared stories of abuse and trauma. His friend and their new love were, he believed, “trauma bonding.”
It’s not uncommon to share stories of abuse with loved ones, and it’s also not uncommon to fall in love with someone with whom you share those stories. But bonding over past struggles is not the same as “trauma bonding,” which is something else entirely.
Let me explain.
A trauma bond is a relationship between two people that cycles through a pattern of abuse followed by love and affection. This relationship pattern often begins with an over-the-top style of courting (people call this “love-bombing,” but that term makes me cringe), and the person for whom you’re falling seems too good to be true.
They are.
Why do people fall for people who seem too good to be true?
And why, when they discover they’ve been had, don’t they leave?
What follows is the psychology behind one of the most painful and least understood experiences a person can haveand a clear-eyed look at what it takes to get free.
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